Tag Archives: Chelsea Rose Murphy

Madison Murphy – a message to Chelsea Rose Murphy

Chels,
Let’s just start with the obvious reason I am writing; it has been a year since I have gotten to see you. I would say talk to you to but I feel as though our communication is just different now. Granted, I prefer to hangout and talk in the flesh but things don’t always go how you wish they did. That has officially been engraved into my brain. I will always hope for the best, but, I have realized that life doesn’t play favorites and it doesn’t wait up on anybody. I have tried so hard to learn everything I am supposed to from this experience and it has really changed me as a person. In general I try to be a better person but within myself I have changed too. I have taken in great account that nothing really matters except the people you love. I don’t let the little things get to me and I can see the bigger picture a little better. I would never say I am grateful for this particular lesson, all I can continue to tell myself is that it was meant to be this way, we must learn from it and move forward on our own personal journeys. I miss you so much though. I woke up this morning and immediately thought of you when I saw the sunrise hitting the mountains outside of my window. I just can’t wrap my head around the thought that a year ago this was our last day to speak. It wasn’t a good goodbye unfortunately. You were upset and woke me up by telling me I was a f**ker haha, I try to find a little humor in that. That morning I didn’t think twice about you being all up in arms because I had seen you, let’s say, express your emotions so many times before. I offered a hug and you denied it. You were standing in my doorway when you said something I have thought back on a lot. You looked right at me and said “no Maddy, you probably won’t see me for a very long time”. All I thought then was, huh she ventured away from saying “I’m never talking to you guys again”. I so regret not forcefully hugging you before you left. But I know that our last conversation doesn’t depict the sisterly love we have and our relationship, so I try to let it go. I am actually kind of happy you said that though, I see it now as almost a subconscious foreshadowing. All I have to do now is wait that long time and I will see you again. I may reiterate this too much but I cannot believe it has been a year. It seems like yesterday still, that I was woken up with the phone call telling me to come home. At the same time though, I have done so much this year, it feels like there’s no way that you weren’t alive during those times. Today doesn’t seem so bad though. The holidays were hard but I must be distracted today due to being in our favorite state, Colorado. I wish you were here with us, where we all can see you but I will accept the many signs and sightings of you. On Christmas we left Tulsa at 5:30 in the morning to head to our destination. I was so tired that I kept forgetting it was Christmas. Although I wasn’t able to really feel you during the ride up, by the time I actually woke up I began to see your signs. The most major one would probably be the song I stumbled across when I was looking for a Dirty Heads song. I guess they have a song titled “Chelsea”. Obviously I played it when I saw it, it didn’t say your name in the song but the lyrics are so spot on. It was a great find that I know you placed right under my nose. I have also “seen” you a few times this trip. I’ll turn my head and I’ll see your face or hair, but it always turns out not to be you. It is nice though to feel like I can see you on this trip with us. Some people may think I’ve gone crazy with all of the things I say about you being here and signs and whatnot. Sometimes I even think I’m going crazy and that it’s all a trick of the brain, but I would rather be crazy and happy then just sad all the time haha. This being said I have learned too that it is okay to keep some sadness and anger, it’s kind of unavoidable. When I’m alone, or with someone for that matter, a funny joke or phrase will pop into my head. I don’t share these thoughts sometimes because It almost feels like it was just you chiming in and I like to have some personal jokes with you still. I think I have become more like you this past year too. I can’t name specific ways but I just see it in some of the things I do or say, I like it though. Josh finally got his tattoo and its beautiful, I can’t wait to get mine. Mom and Dad are talking about theirs too. I am sure you have got to be loving this attention. The picture I posted may seem like an interesting choice but I love it because it captured us being weird together. I miss having my dinner table partner to play around with and do stupid stuff while the rest of the family is having adult conversations. We all miss you so much sister. I hope you can help our family remember what it means to be a family, all together as one with our differences aside. I know you are watching over all of us and I know you are alive and well in heaven, or whatever comes next. Like you said, “you guys are more dead than I am”… still an odd saying but I guess I can find comfort in it, so thanks haha. Thank you for everything sissy, stay with us as much as you can. Tell everyone I say hello and I love them too. I am thankful to have you as a part of me, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year. I love you, I love you, I love you.

Say Chelsea

Chelsea, today is the 6th month anniversary of your passing. As life moves forward, people revert back into their old routines of the everyday. But, not me – I am forever changed, forever plagued by what was and what will never be. As people move forward, I need them to remember to say your name! Say Chelsea to me!

The following is adapted from Donald Hackettt’s ‘Say Olin.’

The time of concern is over.
No longer am I asked how I am doing.
Hardly ever is the name of my daughter mentioned to me.
A curtain descends. The moment has passed.
A life slips from frequent recall.
There are exceptions: close and compassionate friends, sensitive and loving family.
For most, the drama is over.
The spotlight is off. Applause is silent.
But for me the play will never end.
The effects on me are timeless.
Say Chelsea to me!
Do not tiptoe around the greatest event of my life.
Love does not die.
Her name is written on my life.
The sound of her voice replays within my mind.
You feel she is dead.
I feel she is of the dead and still lives.
She ghost walks my soul, beckoning in future welcome.
You say she was my daughter.
I say she is.
Say Chelsea to me and say Chelsea again.
It hurts to bury her memory in silence.
What she was in flesh is spread over the earth.
What she is in spirit stirs within me always.
She is of my past but she is part of my now.
She is my hope for the future.
You say not to remind me.
How little you understand I cannot forget.
I would not if I could.
I understand you, but feel pain in being forced to do so.
I forgive you, because you cannot know.
I accept how you see me,
But understand that you see me not at all.
I strive not to judge you, for yesterday I was like you.
I love you, will make no expectations toward you.
But, I wish you could understand that I dwell both in flesh and spirit.
I do not ask you to walk this road.
The ascent is steep and the burden heavy.
I walk it not by choice.
I would rather walk with her in flesh.
Looking not to spirit roads beyond.
I am what I have to be.
What I have gained you cannot see.
And I would not have you.
Say Chelsea for she is alive in me.
She and I will meet again, though in many ways we have never parted.
She and her life play songs in my mind,
Sunrises and sunsets on my dreams.
She is real and shadow, was and is.
Say Chelsea to me and say Chelsea again.
She is my daughter and I love her as I always did.
Say Chelsea!

TIME

The year moves on.
Between the weeks and days
are spaces filled
with more than only time.
Those minutes, moments,
when your life stands still
and aches in memory…

And part of you
needs to endure the dark
because it means
to have that love again.
And, part of you
prays for forgetfulness,
because your mind
may break, remembering.

Between the weeks and days
are spaces filled
with more than only time…..

People often ask me what it is that I need to do with the time that I seek for solitude. Why do you need less time at work?  It’s simply that the evenings and weekends do not allow enough time for all that my heart and head are feeling. The ebbing and flowing of grief’s continual stream. It takes time to endure the darkness and absorb all the feelings that it delivers. Denial is still a strong contestant for winning through the phases of grief. Just this weekend Leah and I had a discussion about a particular girl and we were tying to remember if she ran in your crowd.  In my head, I said, “I’ll just call Chelsea and ask her.” Then it hit me like a cunt punt (a Chelsea quote) on the soccer field that actually, no… I wouldn’t. Most days you are ever present, just under the surface of my smile. Or, laid out like a shiny patch on my sleeve while I cry. But, there is that moment – that moment that I forget for a split second and think I’ll make a phone call.

As hard as remembering is, I don’t ever want to forget!  I want to always remember that you were… that we were! A gift for 23 years. A gift that brought a thousand smiles to my face and, yes, many tears to my eyes.   And, lets not forget, how many times you left me with my mouth hanging open from shock of what you had just shared with me. I’m so thankful for the many intimate moments we shared and how honesty, even when it was definitely inappropriate, was on your lips. You’ve shocked me, you’ve awed me, but most of all – you loved me.  I still feel your love today and see it in those around me through the stories they share and the tears they cry.  Although our journey together was far from perfect – it was like Cinderella’s slipper – the right fit for us!

Sharing The Essence Of Chelsea Rose Murphy – By Betsy Whitmarsh

The Essence of

Chelsea Rose Murphy, Chelsea Murphy
Chelsea Rose Murphy, Chelsea Murphy

Chelsea Rose Murphy

es•sence
ˈesəns/

noun: essence
1 the intrinsic nature or indispensable quality of something, especially something abstract, that determines its character.

PHILOSOPHY
 a property or group of properties of something without which it would not exist or be what it is. plural noun: essences

2 an extract or concentrate obtained from a particular plant or other matter and used for flavoring or scent.

Synonyms: quintessence, soul, spirit, nature, core, heart, crux, nucleus, substance, principle, fundamental quality, sum and substance, warp and woof, reality, actuality, nitty-gritty.

Please post
• A word
• A phrase
• A picture
• A memory
• A favorite show or movie
• A favorite food or restaurant
• Feel free to think outside of the box!

Chelsea Rose Murphy and Katie Carr
Chelsea Rose Murphy and Katie Carr

I thought I’d re-post what we have so far. We are up to 187 comments and pics. Thanks to everyone who has participated.. If you see any errors, just message me and I’ll get them fixed ASAP!

Chelsea…

Brave Sublime Sensitive ️ Hilarious ️ Fearless ️ Straightforward. Never held back what she thought. Lol! Comforting Jokester ️ Mischievous (in a good way) ️ Laid back Accepting Flexible (although not literally, she tried, but never could touch her toes)! Unapologizing A Friend Magnetic! There was just something about her… Charismatic Carefree ️ Bold ️ Daring ️ Cosmic Uninhibited Intelligent Sarcastic Assertive ️ Soulful ️ The-best-sister-anybody-could-ever-ask-for BEAUTIFUL! Courageous ️ Self-Assured ️ Compassionate Leader ️ Majestic! ️ Animal-Lover Thoughtful! Beautiful Loving Funny! Lovable! Spirited! Gorgeous ️ Easy-going ️ Teammate ️ Laid-back ️ Illustrious ️ Unparalleled ️ Smart-ass Legend… wait for it… ️ Dary!!! Legendary 🙂 [‘How I Met Your Mother,’ we watched together many a times in our dorm] Contagious… her attitude spread amongst us all ️ Rambunctious ️ No-regrets ️ Gorgeous ️ Glowing ️ Effervescent ️ Enjoyable ️ Outgoing ️ Loved ️ One-of-a-kind ️ Loyal ️ Understanding ️ Unmistakable ️ Alluring Protective ️ Passionate ️ Brazen Bewitching ️ Ballsy ️ Cherished Blunt ️ Goofy Strong ️ Unpredictable Confident ️ Gorgeous ️ Lioness ️ Defiant ️ Empowering Radiant ️ Nice ️ Always there for me Good horseback rider ️ Sassy ️ Strawberry Blond Come-back Queen Relentless Precious Observant Unusual Brave Entertaining Fierce Magnetic Unbridled Unbelievably beautiful and heartfelt Spontaneous Self-aware Spunky Striking Deeply missed! One of a kind! Funny & caring Quick-and-curious-and-playful-and-strong Loved Ornery Giggly Feisty Dynamic Thongs Victoria’s Secret Yellow Cards Simply herself Stubborn Curious (or nosey) Brave Best-babysitter Montessori-child Spirited A Gift Daughter Golden Vivacious Missed Fun Accepting Loving Awesome Leader Trend-setter Naked YOLO Amazing Loyal Tireless Full of wonder Full of beauty Full of light Hard working ️ Thoughtful ️ Unpretentious ️ Radiant ️ I highly recommend reading all these comments in a row. So awesome. (Kaitlyn O) ️ Boundless ️ Happy-go-lucky ️ Vibrant ️ Contagious ️ Unforgettable Sunshine ️ Rooster-booster-slushee-lover FEARLESS!!! ️ Enigma ️ Vivacious ️ Not-a-basic-bitch ️ Laughter ️ Ever-present ️ Comforting ️ Inclusive ️ Best friend ️ Hard worker ️ Unpredictable ️ Disarming ️ Short-skirted (especially at church)! Remembered ️ Survivor ️ Uncontrollable Daring ️ Nonjudgmental ️ Wildly-ridiculous ️ Out-of-hand-hilarious ️ Up-in-yo-grill ️ Pillow-sharer ️ Crowd-surfer ️ Weirdo ️ Chiller A-raging-river ️ Strong hands (you are so beautiful…) ️ Leg-scratcher ️ Itsy snuggler ️ Generous ️ Fridge snooper ️ All about the bass ️ Missed ️ Protective ️ Indispensable ️ Gritty ️ Principled

Chelsea – My Sissy By: Maddy Murphy

Chelsea, I wanted to be able to honor you by standing up and speaking about you, but there are just absolutely no words great enough to even begin to describe you.

My sissy, the most beautiful angel to ever bless this earth with her presence. Anyone and everyone who was lucky enough to meet her could sense that she is one of a kind. People like Chelsea don’t come along often! She was the type of person who could walk into a room without saying a word and still be noticed. Besides the fact that she had mesmerizing fiery red hair, stunning blue eyes and a heartwarming smile; her open mind and exceptional personality could make the shyest of people feel comfortable. She brought me out of my shell, and even though I may have realized it at the time, Chelsea taught me to be myself and not care what others thought. Being able to call Chelsea my sister feels so incredibly amazing. I would always get a sense of pride whenever we were introduced as sisters. In lack of better words, it was just super cool being her sister. I have so many great memories with Chelsea and I am forever thankful for them. From practicing for Americas Next Top Model and having to deal with top model sabotage to belting “Son of a Preacher Man” together. Chelsea and I had high hopes of becoming famous somehow. As my brother, Josh put it, Chelsea didn’t half ass fun and she taught me how to do the same.

Sissy, losing you has been so hard. Your spirit is just too big for this world and unfortunately, we must let you be free. Even though I can not see you physically, I know you will always be with me. I want to thank you for coming to seem so much already and I ask that you never stop. I hope you are having fun exploring your new world. Give everybody a hug for me. I love you to the moon and back times infinity and I can’t wait for the day when we can wrestle and play again. Try not to miss me too much. Your sissy forever!

Pocket Full of Sunshine

 

See Chelsea I try and take you everywhere with me these days. Like you are some little token or a toy poodle I can stuff in my pocket and no one can really tell you are there except for me.  In the morning, you hop in my car and we bump to gangsta tunes that are at least 5 years outdated, spitting those raunchy lyrics like we mean business as we drive down to work.

I like waking up to that slap in the face of heavy beats.  The other passengers might not enjoy our style as much, but we got the CD deck on lock as always so they kinda have to power through the bass heavy commute.

I love joking around with you throughout the day especially when I have gapers in my snowboard classes or I see someone on skis hitting kickers like you do.  I haven’t seen anyone that matches your running man though.  No worries. You love the Colorado sun so much that I always take you on my adventures in the mountains. The rays sweeping across both our faces. Man, its hard to wipe a cheesy smile off mine.

We keep the smiles rolling on all my homies faces, per usual. I pass out your shenanigan stories like candy and my friends eat it up like its the day after Halloween.  I think that is where you flourish most–over a couple of brews just kicking it with a group of friends passionately describing past experiences. It’s kinda funny how you are just kicking it in my pocket when they are wishing they could meet you.

Night hits and the stars appear. I am like a little kid flipping through the same bedtime story as I open up that hilarious scrap book you made me a few years ago.  it is filled with more than embarrassing photos of the two of us, cheesy friendship quotes, your messages and spirit concentrated on every page.

I don’t know how you managed to hack into my dreams but i am not mad about it. We just continue our adventures without the rules of reality to bind us down.  Mostly I don’t want to wake up because right when my eyes open you slip outta my mind like fine grains of sand.  And all I want to do is be a crazy person and not accept reality. Not accept the truth that you are no longer creating a path alongside mine, intertwining as we make our journeys through the world.

Somedays you are so gone. And that is why I cling to my dreams and childish imaginations of your existence.  It is the only way for me not be crushed by your absence.  I am actually under that overwhelming ocean of disbelieve quite frequently and that is when I feel you the least.

That’s what I am saying Chels, we are just going to have to keep hanging out in the sunshine together. Forever or else I will go crazy or worse, forget.

Love you always,

Kaitlyn

 

Chelsea Rose Murphy: You Are My Sunshine

Chelsea – you are my sunshine, my incredibly beautiful bright light!  Shining bright like the sun, your vast beams of personality radiated and left its imprint on my heart.  You are like the colors of the sunset, the beautiful vibrant shades of orange I see when I look at the horizon.  And, like the sunset, your mesmerizing glow is all encompassing and lures those around you.

When you came into a room, your bountiful presence commanded attention.  People would watch in awe as you spoke.  Whether you were telling a great tale of being attacked by a shark, sharing the latest gossip or making fun of some unfortunate soul, your wicked sense of humor brought copious amounts of laughter to those around you.  And, your infectious laugh was music to my ears.

You didn’t live life quietly!  You were my red-headed wild child, fierce and ungovernable, standing up for what you believed in and teaching others to do the same.  Many a teacher would describe you as ‘spirited’ at our parent-teacher conferences.  And, as you grew older, your lively nature grew and spilled over touching all those that encountered you, leaving many memories in your wake.

But, what a lot of people didn’t get to see was the delicate spirit that lay beneath the hard candy shell.  You were one of the most sensitive people I have ever known.  As a child, I recall watching you on one of your first days at Undercroft.  You didn’t know anyone and I watched  as you observed two little girls holding hands while standing in line at the door before going outside.  You walked over to those girls and slipped your tiny hand into theirs ~ wanting to be a part of what they shared.  If any of you were ever fortunate enough to experience this side of Chelsea, you know how special it was!  I am blessed to have experienced both sides of Chelsea; the untamed and the tender.

Most of all Chelsea, my life will be forever changed because of you, my bright  beautiful sunshine!

Chels – today marks the fourth week since your precious soul left this earth.  I search for you daily and will continue to do so until I join you on the other side.  I am trying to be grateful for the 23 years I was given to make memories with you.  But, it feels like we were just getting started!  I had so many hopes and dreams of what the future would hold.  Now, as life moves forward without your physical presence, I am trying to be  mindful of the signs you leave in my path that show me that you are still with me.  I love you Chelsea Rose!

Cosmic Balls – Chelsea “The Beast” Murphy: My favorite kickball seasons by Scott Carr

It was tough picking out the song.  It had to be just right… something I could play with my windows down, and of course – it had to be Kid Rock. It’s silly, I know.  I felt like I had to be cool I guess.  …or maybe I was just looking forward to having fun, just the two of us, and I thought the right music would kick it off.  Many times the song ended up being Kid Rock’s All Summer Long – because I always thought of when I met her Mom with that song.  Whatever the song was, I was playing it loud, windows down, when I pulled up on the street in front of her house.

I was picking up Chelsea before kickball.  It became a bit of a tradition for us.  Well, I felt it was.  I was always excited when Thursday would roll around.  I’d often text her early in the day – just to let her know I was excited we were going to be playing kickball that night.  …because I was.  Damn.  I cherished those Thursday nights.

Chelsea was one of the only girls I knew that who could kick the ball well into the outfield if they let her.  It was amazing to see.  Of course kickball is for fun too, and our team – Cosmic Balls – is the most fun team in the league.  I was so especially excited about her being a part of that.  I even added her Tech9 song “I’m A Beast” to my kickball playlist.

It was cool.  Kari was sitting out those seasons, but I got to hang with Chelsea.  We had some great conversations just driving to and from kickball.  Sometimes we’d go out with the team afterwards.  For me, it was a wonderful time with my step daughter Chelsea.

Once a Cosmic Baller, always a Cosmic Baller.

Betsy Whitmarsh’s post to Chelsea Rose Murphy the day of her service

Insanity at it’s finest.
Fire starter,
Riot maker,
Moon stricken,
Animal need,
Bad seed,
Untamable beast.

Tech N9ne “The Beast”

Josh shared these lyrics at your service today. He said you used to recite them before each soccer game to get pumped up. You were a beast, babe. A beautiful, wild child who made no apologies and took no prisoners.

Words can’t describe how heartbroken we are that you are gone or how much we miss you already. I always thought you were a much better version of me. We shared that whole middle child thing. But you were fierce and fearless, while I was self-conscious and shy, and I admired you, even as I shook my head and smiled.

I love you. There is no part of me that can even begin to accept that you are gone. I am so angry, I want to break everything I can get my hands on; and so sad, I don’t know that I will ever be able to smile again.

And then I see your beautiful face smiling back at me. And I know that you’d be really ticked at me if I gave into my grief for good, because you didn’t. No matter how crappy things got, no matter how many obstacles you had to overcome, you never complained – you got back up, you kept going, and you smiled that beautiful, beautiful smile. I was and still am in awe of you. I don’t know if we deserved you, sweetheart, but we loved you so.

I don’t know how to say goodbye to you. I don’t know if I ever will. You and Chase and Josh and Maddy are what bring me peace and without you, the word seems empty. I’m not okay. Nothing is okay. And then I hear your voice in my head and I know, once again, that while I can’t escape the pain of losing you, I can’t give into it either. Somehow, it will transform us both.

“We are not human beings living spiritual lives, but spiritual beings living human lives.” Can’t think of who said that, but it makes me think of you. My mind starts to try to make sense of this somehow and then all the memories of everything that’s happened these past few years come flooding in and I know that I will never be able to make sense of any of this.

“We never bury the dead. We take them with us – It’s the price of living.” We don’t heal from these losses, either, or work our way through them. We simply learn to live with the pain of losing those we love so dearly. For better or worse. And I promise you, Chelsea – as excruciatingly painful as losing you is for me – I will find a way to take you with me, I will find a way to go on without letting go, and I will find a way to become a better person than I ever thought I could be, because you, my beautiful, beautiful child never gave in, never gave up, and never quit smiling. I love you, sweet girl.

Sent from my iPad