Damn. I am jealous of other people’s connections that they have been feeling with you lately. I woke up today feeling almost guilty for the numbness I have been swimming in the last couple of weeks. I can physically feel and mentally see you fading. Fading out of my head, dreams, conversations and my present moments. I keep thinking maybe this is just time scabbing over the freshness of loosing you. But then I think maybe I am just ignoring you because its easier not to hold on so tight all the time.
Maybe its because we haven’t talked in four months. Haven’t spoken a damn word. It’s like you are getting heavier to pull into my world. I should pull harder, right? Keep you in my pocket, right? Like I said a couple of months ago. Most of the time its not enlightening or refreshing to hold you that close. Its so overwhelmingly painful because I want something thats straight up impossible. I want to pull you all the way back from that night so bad. Shit, I want to pull you outta the darkness that you surrounded yourself with the last couple of years, Chels. Rewind time.
I have been wearing your baller little flat bill that finally came to fruition. I expected to put it on and have you pop into the room or something. Don’t get me wrong it is my favorite hat I have ever had and most meaningful thing I have ever designed. I have never really owned something that I have been super scared about loosing. I hope it gets sun faded and taken on adventures to who knows where for my whole life.
Expectations are so dangerous. I expected to have you at my wedding, be crazy Auntie Chelsea, and be chillen on each others porches till the end of time. I expected you to change your situation, stop associating with people who didn’t support you in any way but like clouds they didn’t hold your fall.
I am still uncomfortable accepting that I have accepted your passing. That I can now calmly tell people where I got my rose hat from without exploding into an emotional ramble. It bothers me that I am reaching a Chelsea-less normal. It hit home today, but feel free to help me snap out of my distance whenever you please.