Chelsea Rose Murphy

TIME

The year moves on.
Between the weeks and days
are spaces filled
with more than only time.
Those minutes, moments,
when your life stands still
and aches in memory…

And part of you
needs to endure the dark
because it means
to have that love again.
And, part of you
prays for forgetfulness,
because your mind
may break, remembering.

Between the weeks and days
are spaces filled
with more than only time…..

People often ask me what it is that I need to do with the time that I seek for solitude. Why do you need less time at work?  It’s simply that the evenings and weekends do not allow enough time for all that my heart and head are feeling. The ebbing and flowing of grief’s continual stream. It takes time to endure the darkness and absorb all the feelings that it delivers. Denial is still a strong contestant for winning through the phases of grief. Just this weekend Leah and I had a discussion about a particular girl and we were tying to remember if she ran in your crowd.  In my head, I said, “I’ll just call Chelsea and ask her.” Then it hit me like a cunt punt (a Chelsea quote) on the soccer field that actually, no… I wouldn’t. Most days you are ever present, just under the surface of my smile. Or, laid out like a shiny patch on my sleeve while I cry. But, there is that moment – that moment that I forget for a split second and think I’ll make a phone call.

As hard as remembering is, I don’t ever want to forget!  I want to always remember that you were… that we were! A gift for 23 years. A gift that brought a thousand smiles to my face and, yes, many tears to my eyes.   And, lets not forget, how many times you left me with my mouth hanging open from shock of what you had just shared with me. I’m so thankful for the many intimate moments we shared and how honesty, even when it was definitely inappropriate, was on your lips. You’ve shocked me, you’ve awed me, but most of all – you loved me.  I still feel your love today and see it in those around me through the stories they share and the tears they cry.  Although our journey together was far from perfect – it was like Cinderella’s slipper – the right fit for us!

6 thoughts on “TIME”

  1. Dear Kari, my heart breaks for your loss, a loss I can only imagine. There are no words that I can say that will bring comfort; just my heart hurting for you.
    Crystal Kline

  2. Kari, that was amazing, beautiful! Even though we haven’t kept up with each other, when I heard the horrible news, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have very fond memories of when we attended church together and had bible study when the children were very young. I remember Chelsea as a very happy, outgoing, athletic girl who loved horses. You are in my thoughts frequently actually, wondering how you are doing and how you are dealing with the terrible loss. I love you girl and if there is anything, anytime that I can do anything to help, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. Susan Mitchell 9185101532.

  3. Treasured gifts to each other Kari…You and Chelsea always. What beautiful writing shared with us from your heart with so much honesty and deep feelings.
    I am grateful that I got to be a part of so many moments with Chelsea in all her glory!
    I love you, Karren

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