Damn. I am jealous of other people’s connections that they have been feeling with you lately.  I woke up today feeling almost guilty for the numbness I have been  swimming in the last couple of weeks. I can physically feel and mentally see you fading.  Fading out of my head, dreams, conversations and my present moments. I keep thinking maybe this is just time scabbing over the freshness of loosing you. But then I think maybe I am just ignoring you because its easier not to hold on so tight all the time.

Maybe its because we haven’t talked in four months. Haven’t spoken a damn word.  It’s like you are getting heavier to pull into my world. I should pull harder, right? Keep you in my pocket, right? Like I said a couple of months ago.  Most of the time its not enlightening or refreshing to hold you that close.  Its so overwhelmingly painful because I want something thats straight up impossible.  I want to pull you all the way back from that night so bad.  Shit, I want to pull you outta the darkness that you surrounded yourself with the last couple of years, Chels. Rewind time.

I have been wearing your baller little flat bill that finally came to fruition.  I expected to put it on and have you pop into the room or something.  Don’t get me wrong it is my favorite hat I have ever had and most meaningful thing I have ever designed.  I have never really owned something that I have been super scared about loosing.  I hope it gets sun faded and taken on adventures to who knows where for my whole life.

Expectations are so dangerous.  I expected to have you at my wedding, be crazy Auntie Chelsea, and be chillen on each others porches till the end of time.  I expected you to change your situation, stop associating with people who didn’t support you in any way but like clouds they didn’t hold your fall.

I am still uncomfortable accepting that I have accepted your passing. That I can now calmly tell people where I got my rose hat from without exploding into an emotional ramble. It bothers me that I am reaching a Chelsea-less normal.  It hit home today, but feel free to help me snap out of my distance whenever you please.

Love always,


One thought on “Rewind”

  1. Kaitlyn, I just re read Rewind… I have never experienced the tragic loss of a very special childhood friend. What I have experienced is the love, sheer craziness & countless moments of fun you 2 embraced with fervor. The heartfelt honesty that you express in your writing is both painful & very healing. I am grateful that I got to be a part of your & Chelsea’s world together. Love Mama (Mrs. O for Chelsea )

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