There is no place to hide.

Well, Chels, I have traveled more since your passing than I ever have in my life.  I think subconsciously, I must think I can run away from missing you.  Turns out, that each time I return home, I am left feeling empty and sad.  Being away and the vacations I have been fortunate enough to experience in the past 2.7 years have been an incredible experience, don’t get me wrong.  However, it is not an elixir that cures an ailing heart.  I do find some solace in knowing that you are traveling with me.  You are with me in spirit, but also in the ashes that I carry and spread along the way.

When you kiddos were young and your father and I traveled,   I was always wishing that the three of you could experience what I was experiencing.  I often tried to figure out a way to bring you all back to the place I had just visited.  Now, sometimes…..somehow…. you are just there.  You show me  your presence with  your special signs.  I am so grateful for that – like the gigantic heart in the Andes Mountains at the end of the first day on the Inca Trail.  Maddy and I just sat and basked in your presence.   Believe me, we needed your inspiration after such a grueling day on the trail.  Although I love these moments with you, let me be perfectly honest, it is not even in the same realm as having you physically here in the flesh experiencing  life with me.

I’ve tried to adapt to this new reality and I use a lot of positive self talk to get through the days.  Some days, though, I just don’t have the fight in me and I want to give in to my despair, leave my body and come to you.   I’ve tried alternative therapies in an attempt to have an out of body experience – hoping I  would be able to find you in spirit.  I’m always looking for something more tangible than just feeling your presence. I’ve mediated, done sensory deprivation, and age regression hypnosis.  All these have helped me in some way, but haven’t given me the ultimate goal for which I was searching.

I guess I am going to have to continue to put one foot in front of the other and keep walking the path set before me.  I know someday that path will lead to you, although, it is so hard for me to fathom what that existence is like.   It’s actually mind boggling when I attempt to figure it out.  So, again and again I choose let go…. to trust the journey and have faith in its course.

Chels, know I am doing the best I can.  Please keep showing me the way.

P.S.  I’m totally okay if you want to come visit me in my dreams!!